Surrender is not for the feeble. To surrender you need courage and trust, as surrender is a daughter of Death.
But in life, we usually hold a tight grip on everything. We fight, because this is what we were told we must do to survive, because we crave the endless summer and bloom. We like it easy, and anything uncomfortable and hard is deemed by our capitalist culture unnecessary and not worth our time. We know the falseness behind it, we can feel and hear it, but we are scared, so we tell each other tales of heroes who conquered, who possessed, who earned, and we want to be like them. We like it fast – fast food, fast-fashion, fast-delivery, fast-sex, and surrender takes its time.
Us women, we know the wisdom and medicine of the cyclical life. Men were told they don’t need this knowledge, but there is nothing more wrong than that. Our menstrual cycle teaches us how to give into the process of release, of the end, of death, and eventual newness and rebirth. And if this is happening in the microcosm of our menstrual cycle, why don’t we think it would also take place in the macrocosm of our lives, in the macrocosm of nature.
Nature is our best teacher, and I always look to her for guidance and wisdom. Is she teaching us how to surrender? She teaches us everything.
Look to the trees. Do they fight when the fall comes and insist on holding on to their leaves? On holding on to their fruits and being in constant bloom? No, they breathe out and let go, standing naked in their courage and trusting that when the time is right, new life will blossom and burst from them once more.
Look to the caterpillar. Does she fight her urge to eat and grow and when the time is right to envelop herself in the chrysalis of death and rebirth? No, she builds from her own body the outer tomb/womb to dissolve herself and recreate into a shape her cells dreamt of before she was born.
Look to the moon. Does she fight her cycles trying to stay only in her fullness or hide away for eternity? No, she travels around our beautiful planet, sharing with us different stages, influencing waters, dreaming and creativity.
Look to your menstrual cycle. Are you trying to influence it and remain frozen in one phase forever? You must answer that yourself, and believe me, there is no judgement from my side. You do you – what works best for you. But my menstrual cycle taught me a lot about surrender. How to let go and ease myself from phase to phase, how to release, how to quiet my mind and my body and allow the time to pass. And time passes in a strange way, nonlinear – it moves in fractions, in patterns, sometimes turning in circles, sometimes running in a straight line, other times dancing on the spiral. I wouldn’t know that without my cycle wisdom. But in my menstrual cycle there is always a time when I stand face to face with death. When I know that one cycle has ended, and the new one is about to begin. I’m standing at the gate, at this great transition, and I trust, and I surrender. The death brings her bloody tears and I am born anew, like the trees, like caterpillars, like the moon – I spread my baby wings and take my first flight. Those little deaths that I’m experiencing month after month are preparing me for a much larger transition that is calling my name right now – menopause. I don’t know what is behind that gate, but I’m not going to fight it. I breathe in and out with courage and trust and I’m walking towards that gate knowing that when the time is right, I will let go, I will surrender and will claim my inner and outer Sage. And that transition in turn will prepare me for the ultimate Death I will face in this life. The biggest gate I will stand in front of. And I know that by my monthly practices I have woven within enough trust and courage that I won’t fight it but will surrender into what is to come afterwards. I’m not looking forward to it, but I’m also not fearing it either. I know that when the cycle of my life comes to an end I can call onto the wisdom of the trees and let go. I can call onto the wisdom of caterpillars and allow my physical form to dissolve. I can call onto the wisdom of the moon and disappear. And in the void, I will find my new way and new destiny. I know this because nature taught me so.
I’ve been thinking about the surrender a lot lately as I’m walking with my beautiful English Mum on the last curve of her journey. Witnessing the courage, the trust and the building up to the surrender. We often talk about the lessons and practices we have shared as women. About the beauty of our bodies and awe-inspiring minds. About being human but also a spirit. And all those lessons, experiences and talks are preparing me for my future last curve. A curve that may be a straight line, a circle or a spiral – only time will tell. But whatever shape will welcome me at the end, the surrender will allow me to gently fall into Death’s embrace. And then?… Well, that’s a totally new story.
With love,
Agnieszka